Regret and Sincerity
by MysticRose2388
Summary: Arthur and his big mouth causes Merlin to run away. Will he be able to find him and make amends? (Not really good at summaries, sorry, it's better than it sounds, I assure you!) If you squint hard enough Merthur, but more bromance than anything. Rated T to be safe. Warnings: Depressive scenes, angsty bouts, and angry tirades & Merlin crying! Who doesn't like that? Just kidding!
1. Lost in the Dark

Arthur was cold. He was frustrated. He was tired. But that didn't mean anything to him at the moment. He was worried about his friend and manservant. He was scared that he was never going to find him. He didn't know where to look. It was a horrible day so far and he was praying with a passion to whatever god was out there that he could find his friend soon. He didn't know if he was alive or dead. He was anxious. He looked around him and noticed that his most trusted knights, Percival, Leon, Elyan, and especially Gwaine were looking exactly the same as he felt. None of them saw this coming and none of them wanted it to happen. There was one thing more that Arthur felt, and knew his knights did as well. Guilt! He knew he was guilty of what had happened, and he wanted to fix it. He knew they all did. _"But how could this have happened... why did this happen? Why did we... I mean I..."_ Arthur was rambling in his mind, keeping himself alert as to be able to find his manservant.

He and his knights were in the the woods north of Camelot, about a day or so's ride from the city, they had been here for a while, trying to find some clue as to where their young friend had gone to. They weren't having any luck. They all were reminiscing about how they were led to this forest, this day. The events that took place, that lead their friend away from them. From the light into the dark.

 _Two Days Earlier..._

Arthur and his knights were all on the training field. They were all using their own practice dummies. Arthur was seriously wacking at his dummy. Fuming that his manservant was late once again. He noticed that the other knights were watching him, amused. He glared at them shouting, "What?!" They all just continued to grin. Gwaine of course was the first to instigate some sort of teasing among the other knights. "Well, Princess, it looks like Merlin is late again! I take it your angry?!" He said sarcastically. Arthur fumed even more, earning chuckles from the other knights. Even Leon seemed to chuckle at him. "Well! What the hell do you think I am mad at! Of course, it's Merlin!" He replied to them. "I mean, come on, as he ever been _on time_ for anything?" The knights continued to chuckle a little, but it calmed down some. Leon cleared his throat, "Well, sire, actually, I think he was in the middle of gathering herbs for Gaius." Arthur felt himself calm a little.

"Well he could have been a little bit responsible and let me know! You know what, I think he is just lazing around somewhere in the castle!" He said a little less angrier than he had intended. This little bit of shown empathy from their king, had the knights smiling wider. Elyan, having the more quiet nature like his sister, nodded, "Yeah!" He said, "I think we will find him laying somewhere in the castle laying down sleeping, I mean he is kind of lazy, isn't he sire?" Arthur nodded, looking back to his practice dummy. If he would have kept looking at his knights he would have seen the manservant in question rush up to stand behind him. But before anyone had a chance to say hello, Arthur continued his little tirade.

"I mean, Merlin has the damn IQ of a squirrel. He is lazy, incompentant, irresponsible and a coward!" Arthur knew that none of the thing he said was true. But he was just tired of Merlin's tardiness that he just let it all out. He noticed Leon trying to get his attention, thinking he was agreeing, he continued. "You were right, Leon, he's just a loose mouthed manservant. He shows no respect and has no smarts in that little head of his!" He saw that Leon was frantically trying to get his attention now, he saw that Leon was pointing to behind him. He saw the look of horror on Leon and the rest of hte knights' faces. HE stilled as a voice behind him replied to his last insult.

"Well, excuse me, _Your Majesty!"_ The voice said, Arthur heard the sadness and the shakiness in the voice. He spun around and saw Merlin looking at him with an even more sad expression on his face. Arthur noticed Merlin's eyes seemed almost dazed. "Merlin... um... I..." He started stuttering, trying to figure out what to say. But before he could even really start to apologize, Merlin dropped what he was carrying and turned and ran back toward the castle. But before he actually lost sight of Merlin's face, he could swear he saw tears in his manservant's eyes. He knew at the moment when he lost sight of his servant, he would regret what he said and what just happened.

He wasn't wrong...

~~~( )~~~

Please review for this, I want to be able to cater to all my readers and fans. I would like to make this a story that everyone will like. Thanks a lot!

Emma (MysticRose)


	2. Lost in the Dark (Part II)

Lost in the Dark (Part II)

Merlin had just finished his chores for Gaius and was making his way down to the training field. He had stopped just shortly at the kitchen to pick up a basket he had requested for the knights to be able to have refreshments and a little snack after they finished with their training. He knew by his experience with sparring with them all that it was tiring, even if he just stunk at it. He knew Arthur was going to mad at him for being late again, _"As is per usual!"_ Merlin reminded himself, a little amused.

His and Arthur's relationship has been really good lately. At least Merlin thought so. He knew Arthur would never admit to being friends with his manservant, but he knew Arthur considered him a friend, and that he cared about him. They always bantered and made fun of each other with the whole _Clotpole, Dollophead,_ and _Prat_ nicknames/insults they used on each other. Merlin thinking about this, smiled and chuckled to himself. He was happy.

Merlin was just making his way up the small incline to the training area when he looked up and saw that all the knights, as well as Arthur were standing there, apparently having a conversation. He heard Arthur's loud voice, but couldn't distinguish anything he said, but guessed that it must have been teasing, due to the looks the knights were having. Grins. By the scene he was looking at, he hoped that Arthur didn't realize that he was late, so he thought he could go stand behind him, and hope Arthur would think he been there all along.

As he neared the group, he caught onto the last part of Elyan's sentence, "... down sleeping, I mean he is kind of lazy, isn't he sire?" Merlin felt his heart skip a beat at what his friend had said. _"Who is he talking...is he talking about me? I am not lazy... watch.. Arthur will set him..."_ But before Merlin could finish his hopeful thought, he saw Arthur nod, then start talking. "I mean, Merlin has the damn IQ of a squirrel. He is lazy, incompentant, irresponsible and a coward!" Merlin stopped right in his tracks at that statement. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. He couldn't even think straight, his mind was numb with shock. But even before Merlin could start to rationalize what he heard, Arthur continued, "You were right, Leon, he's just a loose mouthed manservant. He shows no respect and has no smarts in that little head of his!"

Merlin's heart sank. _"Is this what Arthur thinks of me? Do all the knights think about me like this? A coward? Stupid?"_ He felt his eyes sting with unshead tears. Before anything else happened or was said, Merlin noticed Leon trying to get Arthur's attention to the fact that he was standing right behind him. He saw Arthur still. Merlin had had enough of this. _"If this is what they think of me... then..._ Well, excuse me, _Your Majesty!_ " Merlin said, unknowing that his tone sounded hurt and flat. He could feel that his eyes were wanting to shed the tears stored in them, but just could find the strength to do so. He was numb. He just could believe what he had heard his "so called" friend say about him. It hurt.

He saw Arthur whirl around to look at him, a look of shock on his face. Merlin didn't care. He just couldn't find the nerve or the care to care. (I know, doesn't make sense, but, in my mind it does.) He looked at Arthur for a few seconds. "Merlin... um... I...", Merlin knew what was coming but didn't didn't want to hear it. Merlin just sort of went into panic mode, dropped the basket of food and drink, turn and ran toward the castle. He didn't know where he was going but knew he had to get away from the group of men behind him. He ran all the way to the castle, and just kept running blindly. He didn't realize where he was headed until he was there.

He stood panting in front of Gaius' chambers. He looked down both ends of the corridor to make sure he was followed, then reached for the door knob and quietly turned the knob, opened the door and entered, shutting it quietly behind him. He looked around and sighed in relief but also in disappointment that Gaius was nowhere to be seen. _"Must be on his rounds!"_ Merlin thought bitterly. He was glad that his mentor was not around to see his state of emotion, but disappointed becuase this was one of the times that said mentor was a great comfort to him.

He suddenly had an idea, _"If they think I am a coward and just a lazy stupid idiot then..."_ He didn't even dare finish the thought, he didn't want to rationalize the plan so that he would be forced to stay. He looked behind him to the door, waved his hand, felt his eyes go gold and the bolt was heard slamming into place. He then turned and rushed to his room. He took out his rucksack from the wardrobe and began filling it with all of his meagly possessions. A couple of spare clothes, his own books, the spell book from under the floorboards, and anything else of his he didn't want to leave behind. He sinched the bag up and headed back to the door. He went down the small set of stairs and made his way to the main door.

Right when he reached it, something occurred to him. He couldn't leave just like this and not let Gaius know. So he went to the cupboards that stored the parchment, ink and quils. Got what he needed, sat down at table and set to writing a note to Gaius.

 _Gaius,_

 _I know this is sudden, but I need to leave. I don't know where I am going. Definitely not back to Ealdor. I don't want my mum to think badly of me. I don't know if I am every going to come back. I will be somewhat close, so I can continue to protect_ him, _but I just don't want to be here another second. I hope you will forgive me. I love you, Gaius. And I have always appreciated everything you have done for me and for_ him. _More than you will ever know. I hope to see you again._

 _Love,_

 _Merlin_

With the letter done, Merlin got up from the table but left the note where it was. Certain that Gaius would find the note when he first entered his chambers. Merlin unlocked the bolt and peered out into the hallway. It was empty. _"Arthur didn't even chase after me, what he said, must be exactly waht he think of me. All of them!"_ Merlin felt a few tears run down his cheeks at this thought. _"No! No! I am not going to cry over something like this...I have to hurry!"_

Merlin scittered out the door and made his way for the main entrance into the castle, before he reached the entry hall, he took a sudden detour down a servants passage that headed to the back of hte castle and the kitchens. He couldn't use the main entrance he remembered. Plus he would need food he thought. He went into the kitchen to find it almost completely empty except for Cook.

~~~~( )~~~~

Cook saw the manservant coming, and noticed that the boy looked a little bit distraught. She noticed his eyes were wary, blank, and red rimmed, as i he had been crying. The boy came up to her and just asked her straight out, "Do you think I can get some supplies for a long trip, just bread or something simple?" The cook was stunned, she knew Merlin was the King's manservant and that he would not usually just come in and ask like that. She felt a little confused. "What do you need them for, Merlin?" The boy shuffled his feet. _"Something must be up with him, he's usually not like this, something definitely happened!"_ She thought to herself. "Um...well...I need to go home to my mum, for a little while...and...um...I just used the last of my coin to get some food for Gaius chambers and present for Arthur and Gwen...so...um..."

Cook smiled thoughtfully and nodded in understanding. "Yes, Merlin, of course, I understand. Give me just a few seconds." She turned away from him and gathered bread, fruits, cheese and even some pigeon for him to have. SHe bundled it in a cheese cloth and then put it into a small travel basket for him to be able to carry it easier. She turned to him, put the basket in his hands and said, "Well, there you go, its not much, but hopefully it will last you until you get to where you are going. Have a safe trip Merlin and be back soon."

Merlin smiled at her. But she noticed that his smile did not light his eyes. She began to worry, but before she could say anything, he gave a small bow of respect and took back off towards the backdoor that led to the backside of the castle. She really was worried. But put it off to nothing and went back to work.

~~~~( )~~~~

Merlin, who had just left the kitchen, switched the basket from one hand to the other and made his way out the rear castle gate. He turned back and gave a little sigh and small smile at the home he was leaving. He didn't know if he would ever be back so he tried to take in as much of the sight as he possible could and engrave into his memory.

"Goodbye, Arthur." Were the last words he said before he darted down the hill towards the woods. Disappearing into them without a trace.

~~~~( )~~~~

Somewhere inside the castle, Arthur was just entering Gaius's chambers along with Gwaine, and Leon when he heard the words, " _Goodbye, Arthur."_

 _~~~~~(~~~~~~~( )~~~~~)~~~~~~~~_

 _I know this was a little longer than the last. Please continue to read and review for me. Thanks a lot! I want to try and get one update out a week. But please do not hold me to that. Again, thanks a lot!_

 _Emma (MysticRose)_


	3. Lost in the Dark Part III

A/N: Hey all my people! Sorry that it took so long for an update! I have been a little preoccupied getting my little one into school, then thanksgiving and all that! Hopefully I didn't put this off for too long and get you all to forget about me! Well Anyways! Here is the next chapter! Hope you enjoy!

Lost in the Dark III

Arthur watched as Merlin disappeared into the castle. He felt guilty. He hadn't meant for Merlin to hear all that he had said about him. For one, all that he had said was not true. Though Arthur would never admit it out loud, but he believed Merlin to be the bravest man he has ever known. Also one of his greatest friends, his best friend, if he was to admit it to himself, which at this moment he was.

He noticed Gwaine had come up beside him and bend down to look into the basket, dropped by Merlin. He peered over his shoulder to see what it was. What he saw made his guilt even more unbearable. Inside was several sandwiches and skins he guessed was filled with some cool drink. _Apparently this was another reason he was late, and then I had to go and run my big mouth._ He looked back up to the castle. He knew he had to apologize; and so he took off walking towards the castle, unaware at that moment that he was being followed by the knights. He just made it to the main corridor when he was stopped with a hand to his shoulder. He was startled for a moment, and whirled around to see who had come up behind him.

Gwaine, who had been following along with the rest of them, was silent, but as soon as they reached the corridor he had put his hand on Arthur's shoulder to ask him what he had planned to do. When he saw that his touched startled the King and said man whirled around, he quickly put up his hands in a surrendering gesture. "Whoa, princess!" He said quickly but gently. _He must be really concerned about Merlin if he didn't realize we followed him, and even let me behind him without noticing! Though, it is his fault, he should never have talked about Merlin like that, even if he was just letting off some steam!_ He was thinking, but knew better than to voice his thoughts. He usually wouldn't sugar coat or beat around the bush with this sort of stuff, but he knew they had to find Merlin

"Princess," He continued. "I think it would be wise if we all split up." He waved his hand around him, gesturing to all the other Round Table Knights. "I think we may find him a bit faster if we did." He watched as Arthur thought on it.

 _Damn, how did they get behind me? Did they follow me from the training grounds?_ Arthur couldn't help but feel a little bit out of it. _But he is right,_ Arthur admitted to himself. He nodded and then said, "You are corrected, Gwaine. We should all split up. Elyan and Percival you will check the servants' quarters and the armory. Leon, why don't you check the stables and kitchen. Gwaine, you are with me and we will check my chambers and Gaius's. If any of us find him bring him to my chambers immediately, and if you don't still meet back at the same place. Now move!"

Arthur knew he sounded a little grumpy if not worried or concerned, but he couldn't help himself. He didn't know why, but he had a bad feeling in his stomach. Since seeing the look of pure despair and hurt in Merlin's eyes, and then there were the tears. _Oh, gods! What have I…_ Arthur didn't dwell on those thoughts as he started toward the physician's chambers on the other side of the castle. He felt rather than saw that Gwaine was following him, keeping at the same frantic pace that he himself was using. He turned one corner, and then another, then another. Soon they reached the foot of the stairs that went up to his destination. He stood there for a minute thinking about how he was going to even start this conversation with Merlin. _It's not like I have never insulted him before, or him me, what got to him this time? I know what I said was untrue, I mean it's the exact opposite of the truth! Maybe I should just play it off as a joke…or maybe I should just apologize and then play it off… or maybe…_ His thoughts were again interrupted by Gwaine's hand on his shoulder.

He turned and saw that Gwaine was watching him with undiscriminating amusement and concern. He took note of the acknowledgement from Arthur and nodded in understanding. Taking Gwaine's nod for reassurance, he started to climb the stairs. However before he got up two of them, he heard a voice call out. "Arthur!"

Arthur paused then turned around. He saw that Leon was hurrying toward him. He waited until the fast paced man caught up to them. He gave the knight a minute to catch his breath. He was really trying to patient, but like with his instincts he was a bid muddled. "Come on, Leon, what is it?" He growled half-heartedly at his second in command. "You were supposed to check the stables and the kitchen, it couldn't take you this quick to…."

"Arthur!" Leon interrupted his King with an exasperated and breathless cry! Arthur stopped talking and looked at him. "I went to the kitchen's first." He continued, "and cook told me that Merlin had just stopped by there not ten minutes ago, and asked for provisions for a journey. She said he didn't specify his destination. She also said that he looked a little bit off. She said that….um…" He paused, hesitating to finish what he was about to say.

"Just tell me, Leon; what did she say?" Arthur asked, snappishly and then his face softened in apology at the snap. Leon nodded, and continued. "Well, she asked why he needed them, he said that he was going somewhere, and he didn't know when he would be back, that he would usually buy his own provisions but since he had gotten you and Gwen a gift he didn't have the money available, so she…um…gave him what he needed."

Arthur stopped Leon from continuing by putting a hand up. He needed to think. He didn't remember any gift. _Why did Merlin lie to the cook?_ He didn't get it! _Merlin wasn't one to lie without reason and, well, he wasn't deceitful like that._ He shook his head, mentally clearing his head. He nodded and then turned back around to head up the stairs. He had just reached the top and had his hand on the doorknob when he heard a voice inside his head.

" _Good-bye, Arthur."_

That jolted him to a stop real quick. He turned around and looked in all directions, but he couldn't find the person that the voice belonged to. He was sure that he had heard Merlin just now. He then remembered where he was and again turned around and pushed the door open. He looked around and noticed that the old physician was not there. He then took a pace, and went towards the backroom which he knew was his servants.

He opened the door, and stopped. The place was cleaned spotless. Well, if you could call a bare, empty room clean. He looked toward the wardrobe quickly, noticing that it was open, he went over and peered inside. His heart gave a beat, than sank like a stone in his stomach. It was empty. The clothes, the knapsack and bedroll that was usually stored in there were gone. He looked at the desk, and noticed that all the books and odd n ends were gone as well. Just when he was about to go over to the chest, he heard a worried voice call out.

"Princess!" He heard Gwaine calling him frantically. So instead of continuing to the chest, he hightailed it back to the outer rooms. He saw Gwaine and Leon standing at the table, with the latter holding a letter, that he saw was addressed to Gaius. His heart again sunk. If it could sink any lower. He walked nervously up to the pair and held out his hand. Leon handed the letter over to him. Arthur knew it was wrong and impolite to open someone's letter, but he was concerned and panicked, so he broke the sealing and opened the letter to read. What he read tore his heart apart.

 _Gaius,_

 _I know this is sudden, but I need to leave. I don't know where I am going. Definitely not back to Ealdor. I don't want my mum to think badly of me. I don't know if I am every going to come back. I will be somewhat close, so I can continue to protect him, but I just don't want to be here another second. I hope you will forgive me. I love you, Gaius. And I have always appreciated everything you have done for me and for him. More than you will ever know. I hope to see you again._

 _Love,_

 _Merlin_

Arthur's head spun. _He wasn't going to Ealdor because he didn't want his mom to think badly of him. Because of what? Why would she think badly of him? He didn't do anything wrong. He said…that he would stay close to protect him? Protect who? Me? That can't be right! Well….maybe it could, I mean he has risked his life for me several times, and…and…wait….he said he was going to stay close! He said he was going to stay close._

He glanced back up towards his two companions and noticed they were looking at him in shock and confusion. He suddenly felt his cheeks wet. He reached up to his cheek and finally realized that he had started crying. He glanced back down at the letter and noticed that tears had dropped onto the paper and obscured some of the ink words. Before he even knew what he was doing, he crumpled the letter in his hands. Gwaine and Leon, startled by the King's sudden action, cried out in panic.

"What are you doing?" They both yelled. Arthur stood there staring at them for a minute before shaking his head.

"We are not going to let Gaius see this," he said. "We are going to find him before he even has a chance to leave the kingdom, we are going to…"

"Whoa, wait!" Gwaine interrupted. "What do you mean stop him from leaving?"

Arthur sighed and told them everything, word for word, what he read in the letter.

Leon and Gwaine looked saddened by the thought of Merlin thinking he couldn't stay in his home, and that he was leaving. But then they both, at the same time, picked up on the very same line that Arthur had found a twinge of hope at.

"He is not going far"! They both said in unison. They both looked at each other and huffed a light chuckled at each other.

"Right!" Arthur continued, "We can find him, before Gaius even realizes that he is gone, and we lose him for good! It would break Gaius's heart if he found this, and plus, I think I need to apologize to my _lazy idiotic_ servant!" He smiled a little smile of regret and noted that Gwaine and Leon were also smiling a little.

He then said, "Follow me!" and then took out the door and planned to go to the other side of the castle to meet up with the rest of the knights, but as he reached the foot of the stairs, he saw that Elyan and Percival were just on their way up to find them.

"I thought I said to meet at my chambers!" He asked half-angry, half-amused at his knight's disregard for his orders. He knew they were all just as worried about their friend as he was. Anytime Merlin was the middle of the problem, all of them, himself included always disregarded regulations, orders, and etiquette. It never failed to amaze him how much of an impact Merlin had had on all of them.

Percival looked guilty up at Arthur and smiled. "Well, I don't know how to explain it, but I just had a feeling that this is where we needed to be!" Elyan nodded in agreement, saying "It was the same for me. We were going towards the armory when, I don't know… we… I don't know how to explain it!"

Arthur looked confusedly for a moment, then grinned. He knew that this was Merlin's doing. He didn't know how, or why, but knew that it was.

He just started laughing. He laughed for a few minutes, not caring that his knights were looking at him like he was crazy. He stopped laughing and looked at each of them. "Alright! Here is the plan…"

A/N: Hey again guys! Sorry for the way this chapter ended. I don't think it was a good place, but at the same time, for what I have instore for the next chapter, it is the perfect place. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please read and review, well, I mean you already read it, so… um… oh crud…now look what I did… please just review! :D


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